So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
