A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize