i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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