Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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