Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
wow bdsm is so cute
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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