Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
