Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
