you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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