Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
