Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
