You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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