i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
