Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
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