4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
