i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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