where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
