I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
