apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
