I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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