How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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