3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
