Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
