How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
