once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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