Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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