forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
