The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
