2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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