He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
