if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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