i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
