Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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