Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
last night I used snow as a chaser
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
