highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
