Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
