Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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