I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize