I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
