put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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