Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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