TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
