News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize