My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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