she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
