Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
