Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
