just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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