My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
