At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
two words...techno handjob
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
