yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
