My room smells like vodka and shame
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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