Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize