My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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