i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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