Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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