Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
