That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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