so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
