just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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