Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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