every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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