No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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