How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
