Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
