Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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