Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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