That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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