i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
