I just cut my nipple shaving
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
