She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
