I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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