I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
